The Tudors S04E04

Whitehall Palace, London 1540. Thirty years into the reign of King Henry VIII and it’s been a long, hot, summer: London is experiencing intense heat and there has been no rain for two months. But while his subjects wilt, the King’s vigor remains undiminished. The Reformation goes on and Henry has married the beautiful Katherine Howard, who is a mere seventeen years old. Katherine is different from earlier wives in more ways than age: far from being nobility she was ‘discovered’ by some of the King’s friends in a boarding house for wayward young ladies. Joan Bulmer, the new Queen’s best friend from her youth, is hired as a lady in waiting; aside from her friendship she knows too much scandalous detail about Katherine’s sexual past to be outside the court.

In this episode British newcomer Tamzin Merchant continues to heat things up as Henry's doomed fifth wife. The Queen’s ‘low’ background combined with her youth and beauty, arouses a lusty familiarity in certain members of Henry’s court. Most notably the King’s handsome and ambitious new groom Thomas Culpepper, who makes no secret of his desire for the new Queen during an extended hunting trip visit by the royal entourage. Before heading over the jump to view Ms Merchant's latest bout of clothes shedding, did you know she is also a published poet? Yeah, neither did we until spotting this poem the actress wrote for Platforms Magazine, entitled "Ode To A Toilet." The multi-talented actress is also an accomplished pianist, former model and now currently studying at Cambridge University, after deferring university twice due to her other commitments.

Ode To A Toilet

I’ve never failed to notice how
Loos are generally excluded
From literature and suchlike,
And so I have concluded:

In general, as a Nation, we
Refrain from using ‘poo’ or ‘pee’
As a legitimate and pressing plight
For characters to exit downstage right

For when did Superman ever say
“Just a sec, love, don’t go away,
Hang on that ledge another mo
Coz when you gotta go, you gotta go!”

Likewise, Shakespeare never proclaim’d
“The human psyche is thus maim’d,
When one hath many things to do,
One always just pops to the loo.”

Caesar never said during orations
“Hang on there, plebs, hold your stations
Your imperial highness will be back in a bit
But just right now, I’m off to the Pit.”

Harry Potter and Friends don’t have time to poo,
Cos they’re always fighting You-Know-Who
They’re far too busy with that three-headed dog
To have time to pay a visit to the Bog.

And Frankenstein’s creature (so people thought)
Was never (lucky sod) caught short.
And so yours truly writes in conclusion:
There is a good deal of toilet confusion

Don’t be deceived by the characters you see
(From the Frodos to the Captain Cooks)
And here’s some advice to you from me:
Don’t believe everything you read in books.

Television Series: Tudors (S04E04)
Release Date: May 2010
Actress: Tamzin Merchant
Video Clip Credit: DeepAtSea
Video Clip Info: [DIVX at 3100kbps; 1280x720; 24mb for 1mn01s]



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